i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
she peed on how many people?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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