I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
