Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
