Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
