we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
