Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
