Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
