i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Randomize
