Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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