They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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