im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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