broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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