you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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