He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Randomize
