I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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