Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
