Your mouth is God's brothel.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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