Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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