Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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