He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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