My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize