Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
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Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
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There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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