Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
