I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Randomize
