I have demons in me.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize