hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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