today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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