I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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