and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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