I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
