So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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