I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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