I wish life had little blips of pornography
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
bring money and cleavage
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
