my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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