just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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