I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm passing your future prison.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
