Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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