you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
