Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
the day after is always just damage control
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
