you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
