I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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