i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
