I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
