Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
