i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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