Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
We're too hungover to prance.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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