woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
