So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
