I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
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Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
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Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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