dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
