K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
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