3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
