I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
We are two peas in an std pod
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
