It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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