I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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