I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Randomize
