How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
