so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
