I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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