You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
