The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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