my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
farters have to be the big spoon...
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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